Two months had past since the result of July 2014 CPA Board Exam has been released. August 2014 has been my biggest downfall. Failing the CPA Board Exam, separation of my parents, and the feeling of being worthless strikes me and challenge my strength and braveness. I become so depressed because of these ultimate devastating events of my life. I come to the point that I no longer know what to do about my life. Frustrations and worries disturbed my heart so bad. Fears are coming back but I don't want to hold back. There's a lot of questions in my mind and a lot of decisions to make on my own. All I know that time is that I need to free myself from all these pain in my heart. There are times you will see me trying to be okay and just smiling... fighting for life, hoping that everything will set in place... but even you can see the smile on my face, my eyes can never hide my feelings... |
Failing the July 2014 CPA Board Exam
Nothing can be painful than failing on the things you want most. Being a Certified Public Accountant is my ultimate dream. This dream have already taught me a lot of things. It always test my patience and it always pressing me to move forward. Failing the board exam is not my first failure. I have failed in some of my subjects during undergrad and in some of my goals in life...
But if you're in that position, when you feel you are already there, knowing that your journey is almost done... then you failed again... questions and negative thoughts will strike you: "What I have done wrong? I did my best. Am I not that smart to pass the exam? I failed again! How many times do I need to feel that I am a failure?" Those are some of the questions enter in my mind most especially when I am alone and meditating.
My Parents Separation
Heartbreaks doesn't leave me. Following day after the result of the board exam has been released, I have come to know that my daddy has already moved out. Wow. I really don't know what to think that time. I'm all alone in my room crying and no more words can say. I really don't know how to react. I don't even realized my tears are flowing down around my face, 'til I finally breakdown.
And several thoughts comes... "I did my best to be a good daughter. I gave it all to make my parents happy but it will never be enough for them to stay happily... What else now? After failing the board exam, now this? Is it over? Take it all! I'm giving up everything. I'm already tired. What else can be painful than this?"
Worthless Feeling
Until I already felt my face on the ground. I feel so worthless. My failures trigger my emotions negatively. Since, I decided to take the board exam again on May 2015 I have nothing to do but to stay at home. My mind is juggling from questions if I should find a temporary work until the next review starts. But where can I find a job that will allow me to stay for only three months? So I ended up staying at home. But being at home for days, weeks, and months is not what I used to do. I got bored. I feel so empty, nothing left to do. It makes me feel more depressed and worthless. Hindi po ako sanay ng walang ginagawa. My vacant hours makes me think a lot. Most of the time negative thoughts are coming in my mind. Followed by the words I can hear around me saying "pabigat ka na nga"... The most painful words I've ever heard. What else should I do now? I'm in between of fighting for my dreams that others cannot understand and still on the process of healing from my heartbreaks. Some people are just so insensitive! But I have no energy to fight against them... I am already tired, all I can do is try to understand, cry, kneel, and pray.
The Healing Process
When you are depressed you can't explain what happened to you again and again to the people around you especially if they have already judged you. It seems you don't have enough energy to explain. All you want to do is breathe and be free from all your burdens. Kung may pagkakataon ka nga sigurong tumakas, tatakas ka eh. Kaso hindi ako ganun eh, dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi matatapos ang mga problema at paghihirap ko kung tatakbuhan ko lang lahat ng mga ito.
During those times even some people know what happened to me, I tried to understand that they really know nothing about what I'm going through inside... kaya nakakapagbitaw sila ng masasakit na salita tungkol sa'kin at sa sitwasyon ko. They have no idea how hard for me to face everything that is happening in my life.
"It takes a lot of maturity to be understanding,
patient and silent at the same time."
patient and silent at the same time."
Kahit kailan hindi ako nangealam sa mga desisyon nila sa buhay. Nirerespeto ko kung ano man ang nagiging desisyon nila, kaya napakasakit po para sa akin ng mga oras na iyon noong pakiramdam ko na hindi man lang magawang suportahan ang desisyon na gusto at pinaniniwalaan ko. But instead of answering back, I stayed silent... It really takes a lot of maturity to be understanding, patient and silent at the same time. But I have to do it. I need to save my energy. Kailangan ko magpalakas, para malaman ko ang susunod na hakbang na gagawin ko.
After what I've been through, of course I need time to heal and process things. I need to face my failures and disappointments layer by layer. I need to know my mistakes and lapses. It is never easy and nobody understands that. I know how to move on but before that I have to take care of things that are still unresolved.
Moving on is a choice and giving up should never be an option. My struggles ain't gonna stop me from being faithful to my God and in all He has store for me. It's never been easy accepting everything at hand but God helped me to let go every heartbreaks and disappointments inside me.
There are times I really don't know what to pray. I'm just crying and asking for help, hoping that everything will be alright. God knows even the words I cannot say. He knows my heart better than I do.
Until I finally found the words to say, then I pray...
"Lord, I give up everything to you. Take control of the things that is outside of my control. Take all the pain and disappointments in my heart. I don't know how to do it, you're the only one who can do it. My God, my Father please help me. Help me to trust You and Your great plans. Help me to understand everything that happened are just part of the process of me leading to your BEST. Please don't allow me to be swayed and give up everything because of my struggles. Help me to believe that this is for my own good. You already revealed me Your greatness and goodness. You are the Unchanging God. You are faithful. I know you've always wanted the best for me... Help me to see the goodness in my situation. Help me to move forward even the path seems so rocky. Take all my fears, doubts and questions. Strengthen me to overcome these trials. Help me not to complain and just accept everything. Help me to be brave enough to go on. Give me enough courage to face all my fears. And provide me strength to fight again... Lord, I trust You. Kayo na po ang bahala.." |
It takes two to three weeks, before everything become clear to me. God uses His people to show how blessed I am to be stressed. Meeting different kinds of people helps me to overcome all the pain little by little.
Let me share this to you:
Let me share this to you:
"It was three years ago when I first met Camille. She's part of the 'baby section' I'm handling during my term of being a JPIA Officer. I think she's two years younger than me and I'm shocked that time when I found out that she is also a PCCian (comes from Pasig Catholic College where I graduated HS). And now she's a Bedan, and a JPIAn. In short, we have the same breed. We became friends... and with other JPIAns, they call me 'Ate Kakay'.
One day, I'm on my way to my dentist when I saw Camille at the FX Stand somewhere in Pasig... I ask her: "kamusta ka na?" We talk and update each other 'til we separate our ways. That same day, I've got her Facebook message and she's thanking me for all the wisdom and encouragement I shared to her during our small talk."
One day, I'm on my way to my dentist when I saw Camille at the FX Stand somewhere in Pasig... I ask her: "kamusta ka na?" We talk and update each other 'til we separate our ways. That same day, I've got her Facebook message and she's thanking me for all the wisdom and encouragement I shared to her during our small talk."
WOW. I never thought I am that inspiring for me to received a 'thank you' message. Uhmm. I ask myself, what did I told her to be inspired and be motivated that way? Woaaah.
Then I realized those words I've told her comes from my own experiences and the product of all those thoughts and inspiring words is this blog post: "Never Ever Give Up Your Dreams". To be honest, when I'm reading that post again, I never thought that I am the one who wrote it. It inspires me also and helps me to remind myself to follow my dreams and never ever give up.
GOD IS SO AMAZING! After writing that blog post I know in my heart that I already accepted what happened and I will never stop achieving my dreams. I didn't know how it happened but it gives me new strength to continue. Strength that I never thought I could ever had.
But my problems isn't over yet...
I need to be stronger than our problems. I have to step up and try to accept our situation even how hard it is for me. I realized that there are things you cannot control... at may mga bagay na hindi dapat pinipilit. Yes, it frustrates me, a lot! After my prayers have been answered last year and now all of a sudden all things goes back on its old ways? Nainis ako sa totoo lang, pakiramdam ko lokohan lang kasi... ang sakit eh!
But God shows me His purpose. He helped me to understand everything. He reminds me that everything has a process to take. Forgiveness and healing process takes time to renew and regain the trust and love for each other. Maybe what happened to our family is God's way to helped us to heal ourselves.
Sometimes, we have to grow separately in order for us to find ourselves, to fix ourselves so that in the future we can be together again. There's no assurance but I will take the chance. I will trust God. I know it takes a lot of faith to believe for something you think that is impossible to happen but with God nothing is impossible.
Someday, our love for each other will bring us back together..
It's never been easy for me to accept what happened. I love my family very much. And I will do everything for this family. But at this point, it's no longer I... I have done my part already... Sabi pa ng mga kaibigan ko "You've had enough".. ayoko na ring pilitin ang sitwasyon para lang mangyari ang gusto ko. Naffrustrate na'ko sa mga nangyayari. And it doesn't have to be that way. I must not lose myself just because things aren't going the way I want it. So I let it go and surrender all to God. I pray and ask God for help to touch my family's heart to be transformed with Him and help them see the truth of His love and faithfulness.
If it will take months or even years... I will wait and I will never stop praying and hoping because I know God is so faithful and He will never fail me. He loves me so much to let me stay in this situation...
Though God doesn't change my situation, God changes my heart to accept the things I cannot change. He helped me to be more understanding, forgiving and more faithful to Him.
Narealized ko na hindi lang pala ang pamilya ko.... kundi pati na rin ang sarili ko dapat may matutunan sa mga pagsubok na dumadating sa buhay namin.
More than anything else, everything that happened helps me to become a better person.
So much realizations... so much learnings.. and so much blessings!!!
Yes, I failed.
I was brokenhearted.
I felt how to be worthless.
But every pain and hardships taught me something new about life and about myself.
God touches my heart and revealed me His wisdom.
Eventually, deep down my heart I know I am not a worthless. God gave me enough work to do about myself inside our home. Instead of spending time thinking negative things, I think of the things to do that will help me grow and will give me learning. May nagawa pa rin ako...
Instead of thinking negative thoughts, I divert all the negatives into positive by counting all the blessings I've received from Him then I continue to believe that in His perfect time all things will have it's own meaning ... I thank God despite of all the hardships I am facing.
I spend time reading books, cleaning my room and organizing my things, and making this website. I spend time with my daddy. I spend time with my mommy.. and I've got a time to take care and play with our dog, Charlie. :))
But most especially I spend time for myself... allowing myself to take a rest, revived my strength and energy.
I've realized that for the past four or five years of my life I never stopped... I've always been busy doing things for school and being worried about every problem I am facing.
And now, I realized that this is the most powerful blessing I have ever received. I thank God for taking care of me. He knows what I've been through the past years that's why He wants me to take a rest for now. Not everybody is given a chance to find some time for himself... I'm so blessed to have this time. Time to meditate, time to heal my wounds, time to rest, time to renew myself, time to regain my strength, time to process and realized things, time to grow, time to prepare, and time to be with God alone.
Really, nowadays, time is the most luxurious things in the world. Make sure you're spending your time wisely.
Sometimes, unanswered prayers are blessing in disguise...
God knows after this journey I'll be busy again and I will not find time to process things if I didn't do it now. Maybe the reason why God gave me this time because God wants me to move forward without bringing my baggages of life in the future... since He wants the best for me, He wants me to be the best in the future and it will only take place if my hands and shoulders are empty from all the baggages of my life. The reasosns why He allow these devastating events of my life to happen, para ngayon pa lang matapos na. Para iwanan ko na 'to dito lahat ng ito bago ko harapin ang susunod na journey ng buhay ko. At para pag dumating na'ko sa susunod na journey ko, may panibago na ulet akong lakas para harapin ang mas matitinding pagsubok sa buhay ko. Kaya ngayon pa lang iniiwan ko na lahat ng mga nangyari sa nakaaraan ko... So that when the future comes, I can say YES in anything that will come to my way with no more fears and doubts in my heart.
And all that's left in my pocket are the wisdom I've learned and values of life.
I really thank God for everything. I believe all the lessons I've learned from this will never be wasted. I can use it in every decision I will make, to help other people and in facing another hardships of life. God is preparing me for a battle, a battle that will gives me victory because God is the one who trained me.
If we just really open our heart we can see that God is working on our lives. He is helping us every day.
That's how GOD works. God uses people around us and our situation to help us overcome the hardships and struggles of life. And with all of this... we can also be a blessing to others by sharing our experiences and wisdom that we have learned from our life.
Hindi naman po naging madali para sa'kin ang lahat. Wala naman po sigurong tao ang gustong mangyari sa kanila ang mga nangyari sa'kin. Ngunit sa kabila po ng lahat, ako po ay nagpapasalamat sa Diyos dahil kailanman hindi niya ko iniwan at pinabayaan. Minsan talaga po sa buhay natin dumadating tayo sa pagkakataon na gusto na lang nating sumuko pero kailanman hindi solusyon ang pagsuko sa mga problemang pinagdadaanan natin. Alam natin na mas madali itong gawin, ang sumuko... ngunit dapat malaman natin na kadalasan kung kailan tayo mas nahihirapan yun ang senyales na malapit na tayo sa pagabot ng mga pangarapap natin... kaya bago tayo sumuko dapat isipin muna natin lahat ng ating pinagdaanan bago makarating sa ating kinalalagyan ngayon at ang dahilan kung bakit sa kabila ng lahat ng ito ngayon pa tayo susuko... Lahat ng ito ay aking natutunan at patuloy pang natututunan. At ngayon mas masasabi ko na ano mang dumating pagsubok sa buhay ko mas handa na akong harapin ang mga ito, mas may lakas na akong labanan ang mga ito, at mas may dahilan na ako para lumaban sa buhay na ipinangako sa'kin ng Panginoon.
At sa pagkakataong ito, maaaring ganoon rin ang ginagawa sa'yo ng Diyos sa buhay mo ngayon kung may pinagdadaanan ka...dasal ko na huwag kang matakot masaktan, huwag kang matakot madapa, at huwag kang mahirapan, dahil lahat ng mga ito ay may dahilan, lahat ng mga ito ay magkakaroon ng kabuluhan sa bandang huli... kung saan makakamtan natin ang buhay na ipinangako sa'tin ng Panginoon at kung saan lahat ng mga sakit at problemang ating pinagdaanan ay mawawala na lang ng hindi natin namamalayan..
But still... if you cannot trust the people around you or your situation or even yourself, it's okay...
but never doubt to TRUST GOD.
For all of this, I thank God for sending His angels (my friends) to help me overcome these trials. Thanks for lending their ears to hear my sentiments and offering their hugs for comfort. My problems isn't over yet but because of them I learned how to handle things without being frustrated about the life I have. Now I can have a genuine smile again to continue the path I am taking with full of courage, strength, wisdom and love from God.
You can never go wrong in trusting God alone.
And I'm ready to begin agaiiiiiin!!! :))
Here we go!! :)
God bless me!
See my next blog post: "The Secret of Getting Ahead is Getting Started". :)